Wuthering Heights
by Emily Bronte
We’ve all got Wuthering Heights FEVER! What’s-her-name Emerald Something is finally (FINALLY) adapting Emily Bronte’s popular book for the big screen for the 5th time and this one is finally going to be THE ONE! It’s gonna look the coolest! Cooler than any Zach Snyder movie. It’s gonna have the dopest cast: Frankestein and the naked woman from Wolf of Wall Street who’s now a serious actress. It’s gonna have music by Charlie XCX: someone who makes modern EDM coked-up music but will surely (SURELY) make music that fits in perfectly with the mood of a story that takes place in the 1800s. It’s gonna be “brat” as all hells.
There’s no better way to prepare for such an event than reading the source material. I have a million questions now that I’ve finished it, but first I just want to sing this book’s praises.
This is Emily Bronte’s first book and I think, with it, she set the stage for the modern romance book: two people who lust after each other no matter the obstacles and adversity. There’s an air of mystery surrounding Wuthering Heights, with Catherine’s ghost or spirit haunting the protagonist Heathcliff Bar. If there’s a kindness inside him, we don’t know, but we DO know that he loved Catherine in some weird simplistic way. Like I’m pretty sure he’s digging up her corpse and fucking it. Catherine loved him back and was unable to reciprocate her love due to whatever reason. His being cockblocked of Catherine’s full love has given him one sole purpose: to unleash revenge on all those who kept him from her. So yeah, Wuthering Heights is about REVENGE with all capital letters in a way that can only make sense in the 1800s. It’s an entertaining read, especially when you get the story from Nelly who, luckily enough, has the right read on all the players and puts out good vibes. Also, WHAT A MEMORY SHE HAS. So yeah, this book is good. Is it a “masterpiece”? I don’t think so.
But let’s talk about what’s weird about Wuthering Heights. First off, it wins no trophies with that name. WUTHERING Heights? For the longest time I thought the name “Wuthering” was a joke. Surely, they mean “weathering” as in “that’s a weathered old carriage.” Nope. It’s WUTHERING all right. Second, everyone hopelessly falls “in love” with each other in ways only rich sheltered idiots can, and it’s both frustrating and hilarious when people immediately realize the consequences of their ridiculous actions. Third, who cares about Joseph? What a total diss to quote him with his ridiculous accent, which is both obnoxious to read and irrelevant to the plot. I skipped all the Joseph lines and could follow the plot just fine. Fourth, I know Emily Bronte is supposed to be a “genius” but it’s pretty clear from reading this book that she has no idea where babies come from. Babies pop out suddenly out of nowhere and are conceived out of thin air, without any evidence of there being intercourse. I doubt this was “magical realism” at play. Fifth, I know the hot thing to say is that Garfield is black, but it’s pretty clear that Bronte had never met anyone with dark hair or even remotely a color that wasn’t pale or transparent. He’s white. He’s from LIVERPOOL, y’all!
So yeah. I liked this book and I’m surprised I did. I bet all the right messages will be perfectly translated on the big screen. I can’t wait to NOT be disappointed.
