On Friday night when the stage lights went up in San Francisco’s Grand Ballroom, a sold-out house whooped and cheered for a rag tag bunch of faux axe swingers in outlandish getups. The performers had come from across the country (some as far as New York and Maine) to show they were the best guitarists in the world—and they didn’t need instruments to prove it. While 24 regional air guitar champs each took their turns strutting their stuff for 60 seconds, the evening would ultimately belong to one man and an inflatable whale.
The tongue-in-cheek festivities were led by “Master of Airimonies” Bjorn Turoque (aka Dan Crane), who arrived on stage carrying a flag and fake torch, the theme music of the Olympics blasting in the background. He introduced the panel of judges—Los Angeles comedian Jeff Davis, the SF Chronicle’s Justin Berton, and The Onion AV Club’s Marc Hawthorne (filling in for an absent Jello Biafra)—and set the ground rule: no real guitars.
Over the course of three hours, the US Air Guitar Championships wowed in the way only an imagination-driven competition can—with gusto, enthusiasm, spunk, and a ton of shiny spandex. Since 2003, the US air guitar champion has gone on to compete in the world championships in Oulu, Finland. To make it there, contenders first have to convince the judges they have what it takes: technical skill, stage presence, and “airness”—that elusive je ne sais quoi that you don’t know until you see.
The evening was split into two parts—Round 1, where each competitor had one minute to rock out to a song they’d selected, and Round 2, where the six highest-scoring competitors from the first round would have to perform to a surprise compulsory song.
Boasting an impressive field, including Brooklyn winner Bettie B. Goode—who lost a toe on the way to her regional victory—and San Diego victor Rockness Monster (who opted to play his set in slow-motion—a choice that proved to be a bit too conceptual), the judges had a daunting task before them. Luckily, they were up to the challenge and no-nonsense in their decisions, ousting Houston winner Rip Darko for wearing white tube socks and “patriot pandering” as he finished his performance with an American flag hoisted over his shoulders.
As the first round wound up, six contestants ultimately stood out. New York’s Shreddy Mercury threw a beer in his own face to kick off his jam to Liquid Tension Experiment’s “Acid Rain.” San Francisco’s own Awesome completely lived up to his name, punctuating his performance with neon streamers and flying confetti. Defending national champion William Ocean tore up The Knack’s “My Sharona” with beer-smashing, sparklers, and assless pants (necessary to showcase his initials in rhinestones). DC champ Hot Lixx Hulahan knocked it out of the park in some serious neon yellow and orange-fringed pants, rocking so hard he thought he’d broken his thumb. Boston winner McNallica brought the goods and her own huge gold weightlifting belt, and raven-haired Minneapolis pixie Airosol killed it doing the splits, backflips and kicks to Van Halen’s version of “You Really Got Me.”
The competition was stiff, and when the compulsory song was revealed, Ozzy Osbourne’s “Crazy Train,” the crowd held their breath in anticipation. Shreddy Mercury had the technique, Awesome had the stage presence, Airosol had the airness, with her jaw-dropping full body rolls and kicks, but when the dust settled, one contender stood above the rest. With his thumb in a splint, Hot Lixx Hulahan grinded and writhed, shook his head and threw his body, front-flipping into the crowd and landing serendipitously on a blow-up whale. There was no denying it, technique, presence, airness—the dude had it all. McNallica rushed onto the stage offering a Wayne’s World-style “we’re not worthy” bow, and the judges echoed her sentiments awarding him three perfect scores.
As the first strains of Lynyrd Skynyrd’s “Freebird” began, the crowd made their way onto the stage and Hot Lixx was hoisted high into the air, sharing his moment in the spotlight with a giant inflatable Shamu.
For More Information:
www.usairguitar.com
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