Rock journalists have varied personal musical histories, and as far as I go, I have the worst. A.) My first concert was New Kids on the Block B.) My first vinyl was Chipmunks sing the Beatles and C.) My super Christian parents banned 95 percent of my record collection through age 17.
So, fast-forward to today. I’m randomly listening to KROQ and the song "Sex Dwarf" by Soft Cell came on. I suddenly remembered a good ol' story from my über -Christian days of yore…
As with most good, fundamentalist-raised kids, I was not allowed to have "secular" CDs in the heezy. I had my own private stash that I had acquired on the D.L. from Sam Goody, but every now and then I would get on the bandwagon and sell my secular jams when the inevitable time of "conviction" would arise.
So, that being the case, one can probably surmise I was not allowed to go to rock concerts either EXCEPT if they were Christian. If Amy Grant had a show or Michael W. Smith was in town, I was totally allowed to go. But KROQ Acoustic Xmas? Lollapallooza? Big Satanic no-nos.
Now, when I was growing up, one of the mega rock stars of the contemporary Christian music world was a guy named Carman (I’m clearly misappropriating the use of the word "rock star" but you get the idea). Anyhow, Carman was THE apex of the Christian music world at the time. (Side note: Let me interject that I now find it weird this guy is still unmarried nearly 15 years later—he's like the Axl Rose of Christian rock and he's never had a girlfriend or been married? I know Christians are big on the old celibacy thing but, c’mon. Being older and wiser now, I’m kind of thinking he may be g-a-y… I also wonder why none of us thought about this back then).
Anyhow, I used to get dragged to Carman concerts often as a kid. I remember this one particular time, when I was probably around 12, he had a big show at the Forum in L.A. (told you, he's huge). We had all loaded up in the church bus to go rock our faces off for Jesus when…
Halfway there, I suddenly get the song "Sex Dwarf" by Soft Cell stuck in my head and desperately want to sing it out loud. It was one of those oddly uncomfortable urges that seem difficult to suppress not unlike bizarre fantasies of wanting to scream for no reason during a quiet church service.
Now, at this point in time of my life, I was completely mesmerized by anything naughty like that song. I completely fixated on Nine Inch Nails (Ooh, he wants to "bleep" her like an animal), felt strangely guilty for my love of Depeche Mode (whose lyrics served as a form of sex education no doubt) and prayed for the salvation of my favorite rock stars… that I wanted to hook up with (and at that time, "hook up" probably meant negative first base). How precious.
So, I’m faced with this dilemma. We’re on the bus. "Sex Dwarf" is stuck in my head. I really want to sing it. Youth pastor wouldn't be too "stoked" and/or "pumped" about that. So…
What should I do?
Being a genius, I decide…
How ‘bout I make up Christian lyrics to "Sex Dwarf" so I can sing it in the church bus on the way to the Carman concert!
Oh, yes I did.
And they were,
"Je – sus
Isn't it nice?
Luring lonely sinners
To a life of Christ."
YES!
I felt very proud of myself, as would anyone who has just become the Christian equivalent of Weird Al. I sang it over and over in the bus and even taught my fellow Carman concertgoers my lil' jam (and conveniently failed to inform them that it was a holy ghost-ified version of a song called "Sex Dwarf" about sadomasochistic homoeroticism and possibly pimping).
Next thing you know, you have a very ironic choir made up of fresh-faced junior high and high schoolers singing the melody to Almond and Ball’s pervy cult classic on their way to perhaps the cheesiest concert of all time.
I’m sure those guys would find that fascinating. For myself, the memory both horrifies yet amuses me to no end.
More Line Her Notes here:
Line Her Notes: Entry.005 – Time to Toss Your Secular Record Collection
Line Her Notes: Entry.004 – How Does It Feel
Line Her Notes: Entry.003 – Jeff Buckley
